If love is like accounting…break ups can be like a bad audit. You keep replaying the relationship over and over in your head..taking stock of every action, word and feeling….what did it all mean? What did I learn? What did I do wrong? Jenny had spent the last two weeks auditing her relationship..trying to decipher the records…and trying to get it all to add up to a positive figure. For women and many gay men, break ups need to add to something..and somehow we must learn something in the process. Most straight men get over someone the moment they pull out. Her list looked like a double entry accounting record. Good things: he said he loved me first, he makes me laugh, great sex, he likes my body and he took me to meet his family. Bad things: he takes me for granted, he only wants sex,he uses me, he never took me on a real date, he does not call me, he never brought me flowers, he gets crazy angry…. Jenny’s list got me thinking about my own list..my wish list…in a man. After years of dating, years of finding the wrong men…was my list adding up? Or was years of dating and wrong men adding to zero? What was I looking for? My man wish list: Good things…Honest....Funny....Loyal.....Generous In touch with his emotion......Independent.....Sexy Intelligent......European? Bad things….Dishonest.....Possessive.....Arrogant.....Co-dependant What’s on your list?

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In a world where first impressions are everything, do nice guys really finish last? Are we all just attracted to bad guys? Do we judge a guy too quickly? Tim is a self-confessed nice guy. He does all the right things: communicates, feels, does no drugs or drinks, even does community service and he plays no mind games. He is well educated, full-time employed and as vanilla as they come. He is not a model, not ugly but rather shy. So this nice guy has been single for a few years. “Am I doing something wrong?” he wonders. His friends think he’s a great catch but no one seems to catch him. Girls would love to marry this guy…you know the one...the perfect gay guy..but he’s frustrated by the gay dating scene. He has tried meeting guys at bars, online dating and even speed dating.

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Maybe he’s picky? “I’m looking for honesty and commitment above all,” Tim says. Is he asking too much from a gay man? Or is it just a case of nice guys finishing last? Maybe he sounds too good to be true. Magda gave me her views on the subject at lunch. Magda is a nice girl who is attracted to bad guys. She is the type of girl who works hard to reform bad guys and turn them into nice guys. Only problem is once the guys are nice..she dumps them because they are too nice or boring. In the end the only thing that really gets changed is Magda’s boyfriends..she is the serial monogamist.

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She reckons nice guys are just passively needy…aka..only seem to live for the other person. “A classic trait of nice guys entails the idea of self-sacrifice,” she says. So maybe nice guys are just drama queens? Personally, I do not really think the word nice is a complement. I get described as a “nice” guy all the time. Nice=I am really indifferent to you. Try hot, sexy, da bomb…but nice…goat cheese is nice. As I go through life as a singleton I am trying to take a deeper look and get past the first impressions and the physical niceness. My grandmother always says..nice boys go to heaven but bad boys go everywhere else. But is it single guys that finish last….or alone?

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Love can be a bit like accounting…some pluses…some minuses…some risk…some return…you can cheat sometimes to get better results…it can be hard work….and sometimes love or your relationship just does not add up no matter what you do? Or sometimes, you cannot find out what you did wrong! My friend Jenny is going through a painful break-up. In an attempt to start thinking more logically..she made up a list… of good things and bad things about her soon to be ex-boyfriend Omar. It is easier to convince your heart when you are armed with facts and logic instead of feelings and emotions…like in accounting..you can sometimes trick your heart into believing your mind.

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